The Transformation of the Fall
The rain is falling steadily out there by the window. The weather has grown much colder. I had just dozed off for a bit when the sound of rain and thunder woke me from my deep slumber. I dreamed of sunny days at Ho Chi Minh City campus and freezing-rainy days in Bao Loc, these two scenes altered in my closed eyes. Sitting up on the bed, realizing I was in a place far away, suddenly feeling strange. It took me a while to check my surroundings. “Where is this?… Oh…”. When I am writing these lines, it still feels like I have just traveled through time. As in the blink of an eye, everything has changed. I have been away from Vietnam for over a year, and I have been away from those memories for over a decade.
As I continued my life’s journey, I have met new friends, had new people to gather with, and also closed chapters whose people I thought we would be together forever. Hmm… This kind of weather often makes people more reflective. Recalling all those memories, there are things I regret, but many of them were unavoidable. I have gone through many days like this with the question, “If I could go back in time, would I fix it?” A year ago, my answer was always, “Yes, absolutely!”. But of course, that scenario was no more than a delusion, a hopeless wish, and I kept blaming myself.
Me of this Fall, finally terminated that wish. I have become more accustomed to the inevitable changes and learned to accept them. I cannot shout at God to send me back in time to tell myself which was a better choice, nor to send a future-version to work out the current moment with me. Thus, since there is no other way, I am forced to accept my limits, accept the fact that I will possibly continue making wrong decisions and there could be other regrets to come, too. All I can do is to try our best in this very present.
My former CEO once said, “Tomorrow will come, and we will have a chance to start over”. At that time, I did not understand, each day seemed to pass just like the last and there was no turnover?! Until I went through the four seasons in Madison – Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter, I began to have a sense of “to start over”. In just one year, in the same place, Madison transformed at least four times. Last summer, I regretted not having planted flowers in time, as the weather turned cold quickly, and soon the snow followed. I kept thinking about the seeds I had bought but did not have a chance to grow. This year, by spring, we had already started sowing, and by summer, our garden was full of colorful flowers. Every week, I can make up a bouquet to place on the table. I had a chance to start over, winder did not last forever.
Now it is October. My housemate has just reminded me that we need to bring our pots by the porch inside. The season is transforming and the Fall is about to come…
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